You may now trip the bride

Last summer, in the recent glow of being single and free, I made a concerted effort to go out on as many dates that I could trick men into taking me on.

(Tip: The key to dating is to use tom-foolery to make people think you are just as interesting, witty, confident, carefree, educated, and vivacious as your online persona is).

My MPDG, whimsical dating persona is generally a hit with the fellas, and last summer, I had the pick of the litter.

I went out for drinks. I went out for dinner. I went for walks. I had coffee.

And then, as my schedule got tight and amusement with the typical grew weary, I received an enchanting first date offer: a wedding.

In retrospect, I can see the warning sign for this date in bright, flashing letters, but at the time I found it too intriguing to pass up. In assessing the wedding date proposal, the pros outweighed the cons.

The pros:
-Open bar
-Excuse to wear cocktail dress
-Ample opportunity for dancing
-Free snacks
-Opportunity to practice alternate identities (Call me Nadia.)
-Kind of romantic, in a pukey way

The cons:
-Answering the question 'How do you know the bride and groom?' with "I don't actually know anyone here, including my own date."
-In Pilsen.
-Dodging questions of my own intentions for marriage and children while surrounded by wedded bliss
-High potential for extreme awkwardness.

Going on this date seemed worth it if for nothing but the snacks - and the guy seemed like he'd be fun too. I wrangled myself into a dress I hadn't fit into since I was 19 and hopped a cab to Pilsen, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

The hills are alive with the sound of free booze.

Fitting into that dress was the only good thing to happen that night.

1. I arrived about twenty minutes before my date. I knew not the names of the newlyweds. I didn't even know my date's last name, but saw multiple placecards that had his very common first on it. So I went outside and pretended to take a phone call.

2. My date and I did not spend equal time grooming that day. By that, I mean he looked like a mountain man, and not in the lumbersexual way. Apparently he had moved that day and had worn his dress clothes to move because he was afraid of packing his dress clothes and not being able to find them. The stank. Oh. The stank.

3. Maybe he was tired from moving, but the man did not speak. I felt less slighted when I noticed that it wasn't just me - he also wasn't acknowledging any of the friends that came over to say hello.

4. When I asked how he knew the bride and groom, he explained that they were all from the same hometown and he had followed all his friends to Chicago because he didn't want to be alone. This saddened me. So I went and got myself a gin & tonic.

I returned to my date, drink in hand, and was ready to chug it and bolt when....

DANCING STARTED.

This man did not need words - he just needed the power of the Cupid Shuffle!

He grabbed my hand with confidence.

He swung me onto the dance floor.

WHIMSY. CHARM. ELEGANCE.

And whilst spinning me into him.... my drink flew out of my hand and onto the floor.

The floor which we were sharing with such persons like the bride.

The bride who boogied down. Down. Down to the floor because she had hydroplaned on the cocktail.

Congratulations on your special day.

It was not one of my finer moments.

After profuse apology, I shook hands with my date and departed on the long cab home to the northside.

I never heard from that date again, and since that evening, I found a new appreciation for traditional, old-fashioned first dates.... Like playing whiskey planes on the beach.

More to come,

-Fearless Leader

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