You may now trip the bride

Last summer, in the recent glow of being single and free, I made a concerted effort to go out on as many dates that I could trick men into taking me on.

(Tip: The key to dating is to use tom-foolery to make people think you are just as interesting, witty, confident, carefree, educated, and vivacious as your online persona is).

My MPDG, whimsical dating persona is generally a hit with the fellas, and last summer, I had the pick of the litter.

I went out for drinks. I went out for dinner. I went for walks. I had coffee.

And then, as my schedule got tight and amusement with the typical grew weary, I received an enchanting first date offer: a wedding.

In retrospect, I can see the warning sign for this date in bright, flashing letters, but at the time I found it too intriguing to pass up. In assessing the wedding date proposal, the pros outweighed the cons.

The pros:
-Open bar
-Excuse to wear cocktail dress
-Ample opportunity for dancing
-Free snacks
-Opportunity to practice alternate identities (Call me Nadia.)
-Kind of romantic, in a pukey way

The cons:
-Answering the question 'How do you know the bride and groom?' with "I don't actually know anyone here, including my own date."
-In Pilsen.
-Dodging questions of my own intentions for marriage and children while surrounded by wedded bliss
-High potential for extreme awkwardness.

Going on this date seemed worth it if for nothing but the snacks - and the guy seemed like he'd be fun too. I wrangled myself into a dress I hadn't fit into since I was 19 and hopped a cab to Pilsen, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

The hills are alive with the sound of free booze.

Fitting into that dress was the only good thing to happen that night.

1. I arrived about twenty minutes before my date. I knew not the names of the newlyweds. I didn't even know my date's last name, but saw multiple placecards that had his very common first on it. So I went outside and pretended to take a phone call.

2. My date and I did not spend equal time grooming that day. By that, I mean he looked like a mountain man, and not in the lumbersexual way. Apparently he had moved that day and had worn his dress clothes to move because he was afraid of packing his dress clothes and not being able to find them. The stank. Oh. The stank.

3. Maybe he was tired from moving, but the man did not speak. I felt less slighted when I noticed that it wasn't just me - he also wasn't acknowledging any of the friends that came over to say hello.

4. When I asked how he knew the bride and groom, he explained that they were all from the same hometown and he had followed all his friends to Chicago because he didn't want to be alone. This saddened me. So I went and got myself a gin & tonic.

I returned to my date, drink in hand, and was ready to chug it and bolt when....

DANCING STARTED.

This man did not need words - he just needed the power of the Cupid Shuffle!

He grabbed my hand with confidence.

He swung me onto the dance floor.

WHIMSY. CHARM. ELEGANCE.

And whilst spinning me into him.... my drink flew out of my hand and onto the floor.

The floor which we were sharing with such persons like the bride.

The bride who boogied down. Down. Down to the floor because she had hydroplaned on the cocktail.

Congratulations on your special day.

It was not one of my finer moments.

After profuse apology, I shook hands with my date and departed on the long cab home to the northside.

I never heard from that date again, and since that evening, I found a new appreciation for traditional, old-fashioned first dates.... Like playing whiskey planes on the beach.

More to come,

-Fearless Leader

'

Safety First

Ladies and gents, we wouldn't be reliable dating correspondents if we didn't take a moment to address some basic safety concerns and tips that relate to dating in the "big city." Free drinks (if that ever happens) and make-outs are important, but above all what matters most is making it home safe and sound to your thirteen cats.

Threat #1: Theft

And to your phones

Simple and easy and relevant to really any public adventure in Chicago. Keep your phones in your purse, zip your purse pockets shut, and keep a firm grip on your cellular device while drunk Snapchatting your BFF on the blue line. Having your phone, wallet, or clutch yanked is a total buzzkill. 

Threat #2: The OKCupid/Tinder meet-up

 

In my experience, the best approach to meeting strangers from the Internet is to:

      A. pick a place you are well-versed with

      and

      B. pick a place in a neighborhood you are comfortable getting to. 

      and

      C. Let a friend know where you are.

If you get there early enough and it's a small, local place, it can't hurt to cue your server or bartender into the origin story of your date. I usually let the bartender know that if I order a vodka water, I need out ASAP. 

Threat #3: Emergency help

 

Hopefully, you will never need anything found below. Regardless, it's not bad to have on file.

I recommend that each lady I know download the BSafe app (for iPhone or Android.) BSafe lets you connect with friends or family members when you are in need of urgent help. Some key features include

       1. the ability to schedule fake phone calls to your cell (for a low key way to excuse yourself from a situation)

       2. location check-ins so your contacts know your whereabouts

       3. timed route tracking

       4. a very impressive emergency alert system. 

When you hit your emergency alert button, sirens on your phone go off, your cameras record and send video to your contacts, and your GPS location is tracked. Ideally, you will never, ever need this, but it is a major relief having that app at the ready.

Threat #4: Creepers

 

If you are going hard at the online dating scene, take heed of this advice: buy a burner phone with limited talk and text. This will keep your private number safe from unwanted calls, texts, dick pics, etc, and it means you can put that phone on silence whenever you need a break from the dudes of OKCupid. Second, double check how to block numbers on your cell, keep your last name on lock, and save FB/Instagram/Twitter following until you feel comfortable. The right dude won't care that you had two phone numbers or concealed your personally identifiable information. 

I wish you all a successful week in finding the cute, respectful, not-creepy boys. Godspeed.

-Fearless Leader

OkCupid and Gender Roles and Gifs, Oh My!

Well, friends. Here's the long-awaited first post from the fourth contributor to WTCBA. I'm the roommate who helped spawn this whole thing, as referenced in the very first post from our Fearless Leader. As she alluded, I am freshly out of a LTR. Scouring the city of Chicago and the bowels of OkCupid for cute boys is my new modus operandi. It's weird and I have no idea WTF I'm doing or even WTF I'm trying to get out of this, but here I am and here goes my dignity, so whatev. I wasn't using it for anything anyway.  So I embark on my first blog post as I sit on my back porch, drinking a cosmo and smoking a cigarette and being all Sex and the City-like.

Like this, but lonelier.

Ladies, let me tell ya - we have so many misguided bits of dating wisdom thrown at us all the time. Thanks to our Fearless Leader, WTCBA readers should know well enough now that the old mantra of "putting yourself out there = cute boys asking for your number" is a blatant lie. There's still the pervasive image of men pursuing while women are pursued, but just going to a bar and being attractive in the presence of single men doesn't typically lead to much.

Here is another lie about gender dynamics constantly shoved down our throats, and my anecdotal counter-evidence since I've been back in "the game" (ugh, I hate calling it that). I also hate generalizing, so YMMV.

Women are relationship-driven. Men are sex-driven.

Let me tell you about Jim (not his real name).

Origin: OkCupid
Age: 25
Occupation: Student
Match Percent: 95

Jim was one of my first dates post-breakup. He was tall and goofy and liked good music and was a generally cool dude. We went to Guthrie's Tavern for beer and board games. I drank some Kentucky Bourbon Barrel Ale and beat the shit out of him at Scrabble. Overall a fun time at a good first-date bar.

We go back to his place, watch Arrested Development, drink more, and you can guess where it goes.

This is where it went.

Before the date even ended, Jim threw out the lesser L Word ("I really like you").  I was a little taken aback, but he was nice enough and fun enough so I agreed to go out with him again. Before we get to date number two, he invited me to meet all of his friends the very next weekend. I got a little scared and told him that I'm not looking for anything serious, and I even told him that I was super fresh out of a LTR (even noting that said LTR was three years long). He seemed understanding.

Date two was a movie date, and for the duration, he held my sweaty hand with his sweaty hand. I wanted to say "Dude, stop holding my hand and just make out with me or something." After the movie, we're walking along. He told me the invitation to meet his friends still stood, and was generally very relationship-y. Which I specifically told him I didn't want. Jim's response? "I'd rather have things be the way they are than not be with you at all."

I just couldn't.

I guess I did learn to better set some boundaries before someone gets comfortable with what they think I want.

Let's be real, dudes.

My takeaway for you ladies looking for cute boys is to just do your thang the way you do. Whether you're pursuing or being pursued, and whether you're forging physical connections or emotional ones, you do you.

Until next time,
Elizabeth