You may now trip the bride

Last summer, in the recent glow of being single and free, I made a concerted effort to go out on as many dates that I could trick men into taking me on.

(Tip: The key to dating is to use tom-foolery to make people think you are just as interesting, witty, confident, carefree, educated, and vivacious as your online persona is).

My MPDG, whimsical dating persona is generally a hit with the fellas, and last summer, I had the pick of the litter.

I went out for drinks. I went out for dinner. I went for walks. I had coffee.

And then, as my schedule got tight and amusement with the typical grew weary, I received an enchanting first date offer: a wedding.

In retrospect, I can see the warning sign for this date in bright, flashing letters, but at the time I found it too intriguing to pass up. In assessing the wedding date proposal, the pros outweighed the cons.

The pros:
-Open bar
-Excuse to wear cocktail dress
-Ample opportunity for dancing
-Free snacks
-Opportunity to practice alternate identities (Call me Nadia.)
-Kind of romantic, in a pukey way

The cons:
-Answering the question 'How do you know the bride and groom?' with "I don't actually know anyone here, including my own date."
-In Pilsen.
-Dodging questions of my own intentions for marriage and children while surrounded by wedded bliss
-High potential for extreme awkwardness.

Going on this date seemed worth it if for nothing but the snacks - and the guy seemed like he'd be fun too. I wrangled myself into a dress I hadn't fit into since I was 19 and hopped a cab to Pilsen, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

The hills are alive with the sound of free booze.

Fitting into that dress was the only good thing to happen that night.

1. I arrived about twenty minutes before my date. I knew not the names of the newlyweds. I didn't even know my date's last name, but saw multiple placecards that had his very common first on it. So I went outside and pretended to take a phone call.

2. My date and I did not spend equal time grooming that day. By that, I mean he looked like a mountain man, and not in the lumbersexual way. Apparently he had moved that day and had worn his dress clothes to move because he was afraid of packing his dress clothes and not being able to find them. The stank. Oh. The stank.

3. Maybe he was tired from moving, but the man did not speak. I felt less slighted when I noticed that it wasn't just me - he also wasn't acknowledging any of the friends that came over to say hello.

4. When I asked how he knew the bride and groom, he explained that they were all from the same hometown and he had followed all his friends to Chicago because he didn't want to be alone. This saddened me. So I went and got myself a gin & tonic.

I returned to my date, drink in hand, and was ready to chug it and bolt when....

DANCING STARTED.

This man did not need words - he just needed the power of the Cupid Shuffle!

He grabbed my hand with confidence.

He swung me onto the dance floor.

WHIMSY. CHARM. ELEGANCE.

And whilst spinning me into him.... my drink flew out of my hand and onto the floor.

The floor which we were sharing with such persons like the bride.

The bride who boogied down. Down. Down to the floor because she had hydroplaned on the cocktail.

Congratulations on your special day.

It was not one of my finer moments.

After profuse apology, I shook hands with my date and departed on the long cab home to the northside.

I never heard from that date again, and since that evening, I found a new appreciation for traditional, old-fashioned first dates.... Like playing whiskey planes on the beach.

More to come,

-Fearless Leader

'

That's a Dealbreaker: An Ode to Liz Lemon

As my partner in crime recently implied, our goal of finding the cute boys is often reminiscent of Sex in the City. Objectively, Carrie Bradshaw should be my idol. She writes a dating column. Her closet is what dreams are made of. She's self-deprecating. She has a roster of ex's of which I have an equivalent for nearly each. For many of my single friends, Sex in the City is the Bible and Carrie Bradshaw is Moses, carrying down the commandments of dating down from the mountain top.

And yet, despite hours spent drinking cosmos and shoving microwave popcorn in my face while looking to Carrie for guidance, I can't relate to her plight. Carrie is effortlessly charming, beautiful, insightful, well-spoken, thoughtful.. and I... I am Liz Lemon.

From our shared definition of what constitutes a workout

And our shared coping mechanisms

Our #relationshipgoals

And our favorite pastime

No fictional character has had a greater impact on my dating habits than Liz Lemon. Maybe this explains my limited success in talking to strangers, achieving awareness of someone flirting with me, and my consistently poor judgment of character, but I remain grateful for the wisdom bestowed upon me. 

And so, with her as my inspiration, I have compiled my own list of behaviors that guarantee a left-swipe on Tinder, a block on OkCupid, and an express train to Break Up City. 

That's a deal-breaker 

1.  If your man shows up to a date wearing Pokemon apparel - that's a dealbreaker.
2.  If your man only buys your drink if it's a shot of Malort - that's a dealbreaker.
3.  If your man cries on the first date - that's a dealbreaker.
4.  If your man can't tell you the last time he read a book - that's a dealbreaker.
5.  If your man's idea of cooking is putting barbecue sauce on Velveeta mac & cheese - that's a dealbreaker.
6.  If your man only makes same-day plans with you - that's a dealbreaker.
7.  If your man still has his bills paid by his parents - that's a dealbreaker. 
8.  If your man thinks a 3-day weekend trip to Cleveland is the epitome of romance - that's a dealbreaker.
9.  If your man sleeps on a bare mattress without sheets - that's a dealbreaker.
10.  If your man gives you a noogie after you express your feelings to him - that's a dealbreaker. 
    
    
    What are some of your #dealbreakers? Share yours in the comments section, and remember, if any of those situations arise, take heed of Liz Lemon's advice and
    
     

Safety First

Ladies and gents, we wouldn't be reliable dating correspondents if we didn't take a moment to address some basic safety concerns and tips that relate to dating in the "big city." Free drinks (if that ever happens) and make-outs are important, but above all what matters most is making it home safe and sound to your thirteen cats.

Threat #1: Theft

And to your phones

Simple and easy and relevant to really any public adventure in Chicago. Keep your phones in your purse, zip your purse pockets shut, and keep a firm grip on your cellular device while drunk Snapchatting your BFF on the blue line. Having your phone, wallet, or clutch yanked is a total buzzkill. 

Threat #2: The OKCupid/Tinder meet-up

 

In my experience, the best approach to meeting strangers from the Internet is to:

      A. pick a place you are well-versed with

      and

      B. pick a place in a neighborhood you are comfortable getting to. 

      and

      C. Let a friend know where you are.

If you get there early enough and it's a small, local place, it can't hurt to cue your server or bartender into the origin story of your date. I usually let the bartender know that if I order a vodka water, I need out ASAP. 

Threat #3: Emergency help

 

Hopefully, you will never need anything found below. Regardless, it's not bad to have on file.

I recommend that each lady I know download the BSafe app (for iPhone or Android.) BSafe lets you connect with friends or family members when you are in need of urgent help. Some key features include

       1. the ability to schedule fake phone calls to your cell (for a low key way to excuse yourself from a situation)

       2. location check-ins so your contacts know your whereabouts

       3. timed route tracking

       4. a very impressive emergency alert system. 

When you hit your emergency alert button, sirens on your phone go off, your cameras record and send video to your contacts, and your GPS location is tracked. Ideally, you will never, ever need this, but it is a major relief having that app at the ready.

Threat #4: Creepers

 

If you are going hard at the online dating scene, take heed of this advice: buy a burner phone with limited talk and text. This will keep your private number safe from unwanted calls, texts, dick pics, etc, and it means you can put that phone on silence whenever you need a break from the dudes of OKCupid. Second, double check how to block numbers on your cell, keep your last name on lock, and save FB/Instagram/Twitter following until you feel comfortable. The right dude won't care that you had two phone numbers or concealed your personally identifiable information. 

I wish you all a successful week in finding the cute, respectful, not-creepy boys. Godspeed.

-Fearless Leader

OkCupid and Gender Roles and Gifs, Oh My!

Well, friends. Here's the long-awaited first post from the fourth contributor to WTCBA. I'm the roommate who helped spawn this whole thing, as referenced in the very first post from our Fearless Leader. As she alluded, I am freshly out of a LTR. Scouring the city of Chicago and the bowels of OkCupid for cute boys is my new modus operandi. It's weird and I have no idea WTF I'm doing or even WTF I'm trying to get out of this, but here I am and here goes my dignity, so whatev. I wasn't using it for anything anyway.  So I embark on my first blog post as I sit on my back porch, drinking a cosmo and smoking a cigarette and being all Sex and the City-like.

Like this, but lonelier.

Ladies, let me tell ya - we have so many misguided bits of dating wisdom thrown at us all the time. Thanks to our Fearless Leader, WTCBA readers should know well enough now that the old mantra of "putting yourself out there = cute boys asking for your number" is a blatant lie. There's still the pervasive image of men pursuing while women are pursued, but just going to a bar and being attractive in the presence of single men doesn't typically lead to much.

Here is another lie about gender dynamics constantly shoved down our throats, and my anecdotal counter-evidence since I've been back in "the game" (ugh, I hate calling it that). I also hate generalizing, so YMMV.

Women are relationship-driven. Men are sex-driven.

Let me tell you about Jim (not his real name).

Origin: OkCupid
Age: 25
Occupation: Student
Match Percent: 95

Jim was one of my first dates post-breakup. He was tall and goofy and liked good music and was a generally cool dude. We went to Guthrie's Tavern for beer and board games. I drank some Kentucky Bourbon Barrel Ale and beat the shit out of him at Scrabble. Overall a fun time at a good first-date bar.

We go back to his place, watch Arrested Development, drink more, and you can guess where it goes.

This is where it went.

Before the date even ended, Jim threw out the lesser L Word ("I really like you").  I was a little taken aback, but he was nice enough and fun enough so I agreed to go out with him again. Before we get to date number two, he invited me to meet all of his friends the very next weekend. I got a little scared and told him that I'm not looking for anything serious, and I even told him that I was super fresh out of a LTR (even noting that said LTR was three years long). He seemed understanding.

Date two was a movie date, and for the duration, he held my sweaty hand with his sweaty hand. I wanted to say "Dude, stop holding my hand and just make out with me or something." After the movie, we're walking along. He told me the invitation to meet his friends still stood, and was generally very relationship-y. Which I specifically told him I didn't want. Jim's response? "I'd rather have things be the way they are than not be with you at all."

I just couldn't.

I guess I did learn to better set some boundaries before someone gets comfortable with what they think I want.

Let's be real, dudes.

My takeaway for you ladies looking for cute boys is to just do your thang the way you do. Whether you're pursuing or being pursued, and whether you're forging physical connections or emotional ones, you do you.

Until next time,
Elizabeth

Hey girl, you remind me of Robocop

Tonight, we bring you some of the best and brightest of OkCupid in recent days. A little mood music, shall we?

Let's jump right into the juicy stuff:

Cheap Beer Man: if I don't reply to your first three messages (which had been deleted), then I probably won't respond to the next two. But thank you for the brilliant revelation that cheap beer might not be the best beer.

Do you have a mind blowing question for me, sir? You seem to be questioning whether or not you have a question for me. Also, your use of the question mark emoji is intense and makes me fear what kind of question this will be... Deleted.

If he is asking what I think he is asking...

UPDATE AS OF 5/7:

This delightful young man was not pleased that I did not divulge my mileage. The magical, whimsical world of online dating. I wonder how often that line works for him.

Maybe you do things differently in Australia and maybe I'm a bit of a grammar purist, but I can be a bit judgmental about adding extra letters to words. #nojudgment #actuallyallofthejudgment Secondly, I find your entrance interview demanding and uncreative. Go straight to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect any of my personal information.


And lastly.... the winner of this week's inbox challenge:
















This 21-year-old child gets points for creativity but loses points for calling Josh Lyman "the guy from West Wing." An extra decade and more commanding knowledge of Sorkin, and you might have stood a chance, young sir.



A closing thought: a majority of these messages failed to pass through my message filters. OkCupid should do these boys a solid and let them know that A.) I can't see these terrible messages from the OkCupid app and  B.) There is automatic judgment (see what I did there?) on you not passing the filter. Be kind, OKC, and warn them of their imminent failure. 

WTCBA: Week in Review

It was a mild but groundbreaking over here at #WTCBA. Let's review.

The 'Where the Cute Boys At' team made a triumphant return to Geeks Who Drink pub quiz at The Holiday Club. Markedly smaller crowd than the week before with an unacceptable of cute boy: me ratio (zero cute boys for every one of me). There was, however, a Backstreet Boys sing-along, so it wasn't all bad.

Thursday night we broke some ground at Vinyl, Highline, and Shamrock Club (not counting our scouting of Three Dots and Untitled - where there were zero prospects - better luck next time.)

We spent most of our time at Vinyl toying with how-old.net, where we learned that we look like 54 year men. With this sudden identity change, we ventured over to farmersonly.com to see what we could find. Thankfully, Farmers Only requires no proof of land ownership. Or identity verification. Or profile photos. Or even a username. Way to allow for open access to love, Farmers Only.

Thursday was also the test run of my new personal cards. I have yet to learn the correct finesse for distributing the cards (i.e. not panicking and accidentally dropping said personal card into a cute guy's beer), but considering I've already gotten some cute boys a' textin' from the cards, I'm calling early success.

The C in WTCBA was all about Cuties on Friday night, with our number one cutie being Ben Gibbard. Thumbs down to no one standing/dancing/singing at that concert, but thumbs up to Ben for the deep cuts from We Have the Facts and We're Voting Yes.

 Saturday night we learned to appreciate the joys of rich people and their rooftops, of PB&Js at the Boiler Room, and of indoor waterfalls at the Owl. Were the cute boys at any of these places? Nope. Or if they were, they were too much of pansies to came say hello and instead just stared from afar at Emporium. BOYS. If I can throw one of my dating cards into your beer, you can come over and say hello. Start up a conversation about how adorbz Jean Claude Van Damme used to be. Challenge me to a game of pinball. But for heaven's sake, don't just stand there. You're useless like that.

Jean Claude Van Damme would give me his number and then text me about gender roles in martial arts films.

I expect better this week, Cute Boys. Once again, we have gathered more evidence to disprove the theorem of "putting yourself out there = cute boys asking for your number." 12 bars, 1 concert, 2 parties, ZERO CUTE BOYS.